I love the story. Such intense emotions: love in a face of death and even through it, desire to be good and do good even though it seems you are damned by default, forgetting yourself – your very nature – for the chance to be with the one you love. All this is very real to me. Care to know why? I guess, it's because, I saw myself in this story from the start. For example when Bella and Edward fall in love, he spends his nights watching her sleep, he is mesmerized by her. When I was reading this part, I had got goose bumps all over, because it's been years since someone is watching my sleep, greets me with a lovely smile when I wake up and makes me feel so loved that even my wretched life seems worthwhile. He, who is so strong, intelligent, handsome and powerful beyond compare spends his nights watching overmy sleep! But, wait, before you start thinking that I am trying to place myself in Bella's place on Twilight pages, let me explain. First of all, my story had started before the Twilight Saga was ever thought of. Second, there is a slight, but important difference. Because in this story, the vampire is me. Desperate, forever thirsting, wishing with all my heart to be and do good yet always failing, getting up and falling again, definitely damned without his saving blood. What was at first my simple realization that no matter how hard I try I will surely fall prey to my nature and that he is my only way out, the only chance to a normal life, turned with time into a blazing passion between us to the point that I will avoid my weakness at every cost, rather then hurt him. Already, for every misstep or weak moment of my life, he had paid dearly with blood and agony, even to the death, all this willingly, always ready to start all over and give me another chance. Forgiving and forgetting without end. Of course, it is no great wonder that I love him – wouldn't you? The fact remains, that knowingly or otherwise I will give in sooner or later, and he knows it as well as I do. Still, when we look into each others' eyes, love covers us as a magical veil that keeps all the suffering out. There, nothing else exists, but an ecstasy of being wanted and accepted as one is. When we are one, no words are needed, for even our minds meld together and his every breath, is mine as well. He is my life, and he made me, his. What a mix we make, a totally masochistic overjoyed to starve her selfish desires lioness and he who sheds his strength to become as a lamb to make her strong. His sacrifice gives me courage to be the best I can be, the person he sees in me. He says my love makes his heart sing, and every painful effort I make to be helpful, loving and considerate of others forgetting my own “needs” means a life to him. Then I cry, and say: “But my love, it is your life, that pays for it all”, but he smiles and says: ”I've got a lot of life in me, baby, enough to keep you mine forever.”
Now, this story is as true to me as it can be. No, I am not a vampire, but I am a sinner. There is little difference. At the best, I can try to avoid sin, but I inevitably and probably repeatedly will fall prey to my selfishness – I know it. By all the rules of the universe I am therefore damned, if it would not be for the love of one man, who paid my way out - with his own blood – that man is Jesus Christ. Even though I am the very cause of his suffering, he loves me, wants me, protects me and supplies for me. Is it strange that I love, want and, yes, literally adore him? Wouldn't you?
It is great, that love stories like Twilight are written. They wake up our hearts and make us long for one true, self-forgetting love. And there is only one source, one possibility for such love on this Earth - Jesus.
Related posts on this blog: Lantern, Loosing Self, To Love Seekers, My Flame.